Sidestepping
by CIAChick
Summary: PostR&R. Angst. Changed to R because of one section in part 7. He had never once left Lorelai hanging when she needed him and then when she probably needed him the most, he had walked out that front door.
1. Part 1

**A/N: Thanks to all my beta readers. I really wanted to get this right so I appreciate all the eyes I had: carmensandiego, kelbelle, carrielynn, and moviestar29. This is for all my GG girls: at LJ, TWoP and real life. **

**Disclaimer: Neither the characters nor the town of Stars Hollow belong to me, but rather to Amy Sherman-Palladino. **

**Sidestepping**

**Part One: The Way Things Start **

Jason was just leaving when Lorelai returned to the Dragonfly. She veered towards the stables, praying he hadn't seen her. Her heart seized up again as she thought of Rory curled up back at home, in her bed. She continued down a path, tripping slightly as her heel struck the ground unevenly. Her mind raced as her thoughts turned to Luke. Luke was back at the inn. Luke. Whose hands had been on her hips, whose lips had been on hers not long ago. It seemed so surreal now. He was the dream and Rory was the reality—her true life smacking her in the face. For the second time that night her heart sank. How did Luke fit into all this? Obviously her issues with Jason weren't resolved, not to mention those with her parents or Rory. Lorelai wound her way back to the front of the inn only to find Luke on the steps.

"Lorelai? What happened? Did Jason find you?"

Lorelai tried to reassure him. "It's nothing...and everything." She exhaled loudly, sinking down next to him as she bit her lip to keep from crying even more. She hated crying in front of Luke. And he probably hated it too, but he didn't show it that night.

"Hey, it's me." He nudged her legs with his fist.

"It's Rory. And the inn. My parents. And God damnit, Jason! I just feel like I never get a break."

"I've told you the inn will be fine. It looks amazing and tonight was great. Jason might need someone to talk to him if you know what I mean--" Lorelai tried to laugh but it just made things worse. She started crying again. "Aw geez, Lorelai. Let me help."

"Believe me, there's nothing I want more right now, but I can't. You've done enough." Luke looked stung. She stomped her foot. "No, that's not what I meant." She wiped uselessly at her face. "You've done plenty. And tonight...I just can't—Luke—I can't let you in."

"Then when, Lorelai? When?"

"Honestly?" She looked at him. Big mistake. All his emotion was in his eyes. Raw. "I—I don't know." She tripped up the porch stairs and inside.

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Lorelai hadn't been in her room ten minutes when there was a knock on the door. What now? She tried to wipe away the tears before opening the door. It was Luke.

"Lorelai," he said softly. She couldn't help it, she let him hold her—he was so safe and warm and he smelled amazing. "What happened?"

"I can handle it." She sniffled and tried to move away from him.

"Obviously you can't. Lorelai, please. We're friends—don't you tell friends what's wrong?"

"We're more than that now, Luke." She said sadly, forcing herself to move away from him.

"And maybe that's my fault. But either way, I don't like to be pushed away."

"Luke," she said exasperatedly. "I just have some things to deal with first, okay?" She bit her lip, knowing she had spoken too harshly.

"I get it. I'll see you tomorrow." Luke said bitterly, closing the door behind him. Lorelai threw herself on the bed as he left. She shouldn't have gotten mad at him, he was just trying to help, but Lorelai couldn't help it. She couldn't think straight when he was around; she kept replaying those kisses in her mind. But she knew that as much as she wanted this chance with Luke, taking it right now would be a mistake. There was too much happening. She hadn't been lying about that.

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There was Rory, her parents, the inn. She supposed she used them all as excuses to put off—whatever they were, wherever they were headed. It wasn't only her, Luke let her use them, they were his excuses too: _We can talk later, go make sure Rory's okay or the inn's not on fire. Make sure you don't break my heart. _

_Too late. _

That night they were both standing still. Now only he was; Standing there wondering how things had gotten to this—back to where she didn't even notice him and even when she looked at him, he knew she wasn't seeing him—not like she had that night. The book had made it seem so much easier.

Every time she entered the diner she had the intention of bringing up their movie date. But she faltered again and again. There was a static-ness between them. Things were fuzzy again. When she looked at him she didn't know where they stood. She didn't see what they could be, what she had imagined—_known_, the night he kissed her.

At night, Lorelai watched one of the endless VH1 commentaries—70s, 80s, 90s, Best Week Ever—it was all the same to her. It was something she would have found funny and sat laughing at for hours, but now she just found it inane and dull. She found _The Bell Jar_ on Rory's shelves and became engrossed in it. Her daughter wasn't around to be worried about her mother's literary choices. Lorelai couldn't sleep, often getting up to pull out old photographs and journals from high school. One night during her insomnia, she even thought about Rachel: wondering whether she would have advice. Wondering why Luke hadn't gone after her because Rachel had seemed such a perfect fit: down to earth, calm, with a natural beauty. Lorelai couldn't imagine why Luke would want someone like her, but then Luke _wanting_ her was enough to make her cry herself to sleep.

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Damn cats. Lorelai had tossed and turned all night and now those stupid cats were out there meowing and running across her porch. Lorelai rolled out of bed and managed to make it downstairs in the dark without injuring herself. "Shut up!" She opened the door and yelled at the cats, hoping to scare them off.

"Lorelai?" It took everything she had not to scream.

"Luke? God, you know how to scare a person." She clutched her chest. "And what the hell are you doing here? It's like three in the morning."

Luke shoved his hands in his pockets, looking unsure of himself. "I'm not really sure. I couldn't sleep so I was taking a walk and I ended up here."

The softness of his voice surprised her and Lorelai blinked rapidly to make sure Luke really was sitting on her porch and this wasn't a dream. "Well, come in."

He did as he was told and followed her to the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink? I don't have peppermint tea but I have chamomile." Luke looked impressed. "It helps me sleep." She whispered conspiratorially.

"That's fine." Luke sat at the table, looking at his hands in his lap, trying to conjure up the words to—"Lorelai?"

"Luke," she said at the same time. Luke let her forge ahead. "I'm stupid. And I'm sorry. I really want to--"

"Try this?" She nodded. "Thank God, me too." Lorelai smiled and Luke got up to hug her tightly to him.

tbc....


	2. Part 2

**Part 2**

They had been trying for a few weeks. To Lorelai, it felt longer. Luke had always been this puzzle, a mystery to her in some ways. He suppressed his feelings so well about most things that she could sit across from him in the diner or snuggled up next to him and still not know what he was thinking.

When things went wrong, it was her that made the mistake, her who fell and he who helped her back up. At first she thought she needed that. But then she began to realize that he had always been there for her, reaching out to pull her back up. Maybe that's all this was, someone helping out a friend.

Lorelai tried, but she couldn't shake the feeling that he loved her more than she did him. After all, hadn't people been telling her that for years? Why was she so consistently blind to it? Did she just need him to run to for comfort when something went wrong? She could think of no one she ran to more than him. Even Rory hadn't seen her break down the way she had in front of Luke. Lorelai didn't need the added pressure of being put on a pedestal along with everything else in her life. She'd already tried the struggling power couple with Jason and that clearly didn't work, she didn't want to worry about who was pulling the heavier load or who had more calls to make, she just wanted an equal.

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Of course, that weekend changed everything. After a long day at the inn, Lorelai came in for a late night donut and Luke shifted awkwardly behind the counter until he finally announced he had something to show her. She nodded and followed him upstairs to his apartment, where her mouth fell open at the sight of the new full bed.

"Luke? This is the sweetest thing." She drew him to her and they fell onto the bed as they kissed and Lorelai laughed against him. She felt the familiar tingle and warmth building from her toes to her stomach.

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Luke felt as if he hadn't moved all evening. He stood staring at the spot where Lorelai had been, what had been said, what might not be undone. A weight in Luke's pocket made him stop in mid-wipe and fish out the object. His key. To Lorelai's house. He flipped the lights out in the diner and strolled across town in the semi-darkness. It was muggy and the heat seemed to wrap around Luke's face and body like a thick blanket. The humidity blurred his vision and thoughts until he was standing in front of Lorelai's house.

The house was dark except for a light upstairs. He climbed the porch stairs softly and fit his key into the lock, opening the door with a click. Climbing the stairs he noticed the light was from Lorelai's bedroom. He stood in the doorway and could see Lorelai turned away from him in bed, her bare shoulder almost golden in the light. As he slipped in beside her she stirred, her lids heavy as she woke up. When she saw him, she froze and Luke paused, unsure. But then a smile broke across her face and she reached toward him, whispering, "Hey."

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Six months later, Lorelai couldn't even begin to explain all the things that were different. Her parents were still not speaking and she knew her dad had been looking for apartments in Hartford. Rory had decided to leave again. This time for the spring semester. Both she and Paris had gone abroad. Lorelai still felt like she spent way too much time at the inn, but it was nice to find Luke on her couch watching sports or in the kitchen cooking when she came home. There seemed to be softness around the edge of their relationship now. Luke had known things about her other guys hadn't and he was tolerant of her quirks. Lorelai was surprised how open he could be and she was finding things out about him that she hadn't known in all the years they were friends. Things were simple: his pile of laundry rivaled her own, when she tried to help in the kitchen something would burn. Lorelai knew Luke wasn't a fan of change and while she was more spur of the moment, she found she didn't mind slowing down with him. At the same time, everything felt on edge. One day she feared she would come home and he wouldn't be on the couch or in the kitchen or even upstairs, where he'd fallen asleep. The house would echo as she called to him, until finally her voice would catch in her throat and she'd break down.

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"How was work?" Luke asked, pulling Lorelai towards him as she trooped into the kitchen.

"Fine," she sighed. "I'm still waiting for the lull. We've had three weddings in a row and this is the most elaborate one." She made a face.

"I thought you said you didn't have to work anymore weekends for a while." Luke frowned as he concentrated on the food on the stove.

"When? Was I delirious?"

"A few weeks ago." Lorelai caught the hurt on his face.

"I'm sorry. I promise that next weekend--"

"The reservations were for this weekend."

Lorelai's eyes widened. "What reservations?"

Luke's chest heaved. "In Vermont. I made them weeks ago."

"Oh God," Lorelai breathed. "I didn't remember. I appreciate that you were trying to be sweet, but its just bad timing."

"Like everything else lately." Luke grumped.

Lorelai's heart skipped a beat. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I know you're busy, but I never see you."

"Luke," Lorelai rubbed her forehead. "We go out on at least one date a week and I see you every day when I come home."

"Except you've had weddings and even when you don't, sometimes I have to close and you're asleep when I get home and I get up before you."

"We'll do something soon." She assured him quietly, laying a hand on his arm.

"How soon?"

"Luke!" She stepped back, hurt.

"I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend time with my girlfriend." He said sadly and turned off the oven.

"Where are you going?" Lorelai demanded.

"The diner. I'll see you later." She watched him walk out of the house, unable to say anything. At night when she found herself lying awake next to him, she'd often wondered how things would go, where they'd go wrong. She'd always imagined it would be her who gave in to her fear.


	3. Part 3

**A/N: Sorry, I try to update every week, but school work has been piling up recently and I had to stop my work on this. Plus I've been going back and filling in the gaps and I didn't want to post something before I knew it was all finalized. Thank you for your comments and your patience! **

_Previously: "We'll do something soon." She assured him quietly, laying a hand on his arm._

"_How soon?"_

"_Luke!" She stepped back, hurt._

"_I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend time with my girlfriend." He said sadly and turned off the oven._

"_Where are you going?" Lorelai demanded._

"_The diner. I'll see you later." She watched him walk out of the house, unable to say anything. At night when she found herself lying awake next to him, she'd often wondered how things would go, where they'd go wrong. She'd always imagined it would be her who gave in to her fear._

**Part 3**

No matter where she was or what she was doing, Lorelai had always been magnetic to Luke. His eyes seemed to be drawn to her whenever she pranced down the stairs or more often, appeared in the diner. More recently it had seemed she was drawn to him too. She would search him out at the diner and they'd exchange sly smiles across the room. So it was no different when Lorelai came into the diner that morning. The bell dinged and somehow Luke knew it was her. She shot him a sad smile and an apologetic look as she took a table by the window. Luke tried not to give in at first, brusque while taking her order and silent when refilling her coffee. However she was in no hurry to leave and customers seemed to sense the tension because they slowly filed out and the diner was practically empty at 9:15, unusual for Stars Hollow. Lorelai was looking out at the square and Luke found himself noticing how the light played dainty shadows across her face, how it gave her curls an iridescent glow and how her hands curled around her coffee cup.

Luke sighed and gave in, sliding into the chair across from her. She didn't look at him at first.

"Last night, I didn't mean--" She started, her lips a rosy pink in the light.

"I know," he squeezed her hand.

"Luke, let me say this." He nodded. "If I could, I'd spend all my time with you." Luke knew this was a big thing for Lorelai, but he couldn't help teasing her.

"We'd kill each other."

"Yeah, you're right." She looked down at their hands and smiled. "I really need to learn how to cook." She shook her head and laughed. Luke loved her laugh. It made him relax. "I ruined that stew or soup or whatever you left last night."

"I'll make more."

"But not tonight. Tonight we're going out." She smiled at him and he found himself smiling back.

"Really? You don't have to work?"

"Nope, I don't. And it's my treat so don't bring your wallet."

Luke chuckled. "I think I will, just in case." Lorelai had once promised a previous meal was her treat but then discovered she'd left her wallet at home. Luke had laughed and she had pouted (good-naturedly) on the way home.

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Lorelai guessed she had always been somewhat romantic. She wasn't sure she believed in fate or karma, she left all those deep philosophical thoughts to Rory. But she knew she'd always had visions of how things would play out, how he would propose, what she would say. _No, it has to be planned. It should be magical. There should be music playing and romantic lighting and a subtle buildup to the popping of the big question. There should be a thousand yellow daisies and candles and a horse and I don't know what the horse is doing there unless you're riding it, which seems a little over the top, but it should be more than this_. Things never worked out that way of course (she was too young anyway.) And then Rory came and Lorelai didn't have time to daydream like most teenagers do. And as much as she tried to grow up fast (had to really) in the back of her mind she still had that "princess mentality." If she worked hard and raised her kid, then someday she would get everything she wanted a home, nice things, a reliable car and a nice guy to come home to every night. "The whole package." And she had gotten all those things, including a kid who she loved more than anything. And as Lorelai had gotten older and Rory had grown, that daydream of the perfect guy, her "prince" faded. Lorelai still looked for him, but age and experience taught her that relationships weren't simple.

No one was writing a script for her; sometimes it seemed like one thing went wrong and everything was ruined. She had learned not to put everything on the line because if you did that you were bound to get crushed. And as much as Lorelai was a strong woman, heartbreak was something she never handled well. So she had learned to hide that romantic side of herself even if she sometimes needed to listen to her heart and not her head. Even when she did have a guy--Max or even Jason--she found she had gotten used to not having him. She rushed around to make room. She often felt caught unprepared, like she was standing in the middle of her garage with boxes of junk all around her and her guy, the possible fulfillment of those dreams, was still lurking around the edges, not able to get in. But when she did manage to clear away some of the cobwebs, some of the things from the past, things she didn't need, she still felt crowded, like she couldn't breathe.

Luke knew these things, maybe not literally but they had permeated his thoughts while watching Lorelai go through various men. But somehow he thought with him it would be different. She had made room for him, he gave her that, but once he began running into various walls with her, he knew something had to change.


	4. Part 4

_**Previously**: She had made room for him, he gave her that, but once he began running into various walls with her, he knew something had to change. _

_  
_**Part 4**  
Rory called one evening as Lorelai was coming back from dinner in Hartford.

"Hey sweetie," Lorelai smiled as she heard her daughter's enthusiastic greeting.

"Is Luke around?"

"No, I just got home from the parents' and he had to close up tonight."

"But he's coming over later?"

"Probably. Why?"

"Nothing."

"No, something's up. I can tell by your voice. It's close to Bambi voice, but not quite there. You're worried about something."

"Yeah, you." Rory shot back.

"Me?"

"Mom, you and Luke have been together a while now. Things seem to be the same."

"Things are not!" Lorelai grew defensive, but then sighed. "What do you mean?"

"I—I think you're scared. I see the way you two are, he's practically living in our house…" Rory tried to ease into things, but it didn't hurt to be blunt with Lorelai.

"What's your point?"

"Have you told him?"

"What?" Lorelai asked, confused.

"You know," Rory sighed, exasperated. "Do you love him?"

"Rory, I really don't want to talk about this with you. Luke and I are fine. I'll do what I think is best."

"I just thought you might need a little encouragement."

"I appreciate your concern, hon. We'll just see, okay? Now how are those hot British boys?" But Rory's advice did make Lorelai wonder about her feelings. She had remained oblivious thus far—just enjoying how comfortable things were, but at some point, something had to go beyond that. Maybe it was time to take that next step. And that scared Lorelai more than she cared to admit. 

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She didn't know which was worse; crying on her staircase so long she could barely breathe, crawling into her empty bed or this, right now, finding the "Gone fishing" sign on Luke's door. She wanted to break down in the middle of the street, but instead she did nothing. She was numb; her stomach clenched and she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. There was also that edge under the surface, the sadness and anger coming in waves. She let the flood wash over her and then she turned away, trying to ignore the whisperings already floating through town.

_"Fishing? The last time Luke went fishing was after Rachel left."_

"No, it was after he and Lorelai had that fight over Jess and Rory's accident."

"Uh oh. Trouble again?" Lorelai cringed as she made her way to one of the quieter streets, tears threatening at the corners of her eyes. She felt so empty. She wanted Rory but she knew if she called her she would sound too far away. Sookie was an option, but then Davy would injure himself and that was done with. She called Rory anyway and the phone rang and rang, with Lorelai trying to calculate the time difference.

"This is Rory. I'm busy studying in London right now so leave me a message and I'll give you a ring later." Just the sound of her daughter's voice sent another flood of emotion through Lorelai and she started sniffling.

"Hey babe. Just calling to see if you were there. I really—" Her voice broke but she kept going. "Need you. Call me back soon. I love you." Walking slowly towards their house, her phone rang not two minutes later. She reached eagerly for it, hoping it was Rory. No, it was her mother. Lorelai debated whether to answer and decided she might as well take it now rather than later.

"Hi mom."

"Lorelai? You sound strange."

"I'm just tired."

"Are you sick? You sound like you have a cold."

"No, mom, I'm fine." She lied.

"Oh, all right." Lorelai sensed the disappointment in her mother's voice and for a second, she almost wished she could tell her mother what happened but she knew she would have that "I told you so" tone that Lorelai despised. She listened to her mom go on incessantly about things Lorelai could care less about, and she couldn't keep her mind off Luke, trying to figure out what she should have done differently.

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As Luke drove away, with his fishing equipment and supplies for a week stuffed in the seat next to him, he thought that the tables have turned. She was usually the one who ran away. Every few minutes he coughed, choking back the tears. He didn't cry. He didn't even cry when Rachel left. When he said he would leave Stars Hollow if he and Lorelai ever broke up it seemed so unreal, so far away. Yet here he was. He knew if he stayed he wouldn't be able to go through the motions; opening the diner, trying to avoid conversation with people and staying in the quiet of his apartment at night.

If he had stayed, he knew he didn't have the strength to avoid her, to turn away as he saw her cross the square, ignore her if she was in line ahead of him at Doose's. But mostly he wasn't ready to forgive her if she came and apologized. An apology wasn't enough at this point. He had put it all out there and she hadn't. She couldn't even admit she was scared, even to him. That hurt the most. He kept picturing her face in his mind as he'd told her all those things. Maybe she had been trying. He sighed, shifting in his seat. She should be sitting next to him; they should be driving to Hartford like they usually did on the weekends, the cab of his truck filled with the scent of her perfume, her shampoo. It was same scent he had carried home on his clothes.

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Her mother--in what may have been the only piece of advice Lorelai listened to--had told her once, when she had done badly on a math test, had a fight with her best friend and lost her favorite shirt all in the same week, that sometimes you had to hit rock bottom before you could see the solution. Only then could you begin to slowly climb out.

Lorelai had definitely hit rock bottom before and she thought she knew what it felt like. But with Chris, it was nothing like it was with Luke. She convinced herself she wouldn't do it again after she had let Chris get her hopes up again and again, knowing in the back of her mind that he would just disappoint her again. But she let it happen. Now, she was too old for that.

The fall had been easy with Luke. And only when he walked out of the house that night, did she realize where she was. This time she couldn't figure out where to start to climb out. He, her rock in the past, wasn't there to lend her a hand.


	5. Part 5

Previously: _If he had stayed, he knew he didn't have the strength to avoid her, to turn away as he saw her cross the square, ignore her if she was in line ahead of him at Doose's._

**Part 5**

Lorelai could tell something was wrong. Usually, when Luke was quiet, it mystified her—sometimes she could draw out of him, usually in the form of one of his rants. But tonight it was different. His actions were obvious to her, blatant: how he barely brushed a kiss on her cheek (when had that changed?) as he came in, Lorelai noticed that his pile of clothes had gone missing from her bedroom, and as they settled down on the couch for a movie, Luke sat with his arms crossed. Lorelai was hurt when she saw this and sat down next to him, expecting him to extend at least one arm along the back of the couch. He didn't move. Lorelai watched him out of the corner of her eye—he looked bored.

"I can't stand this," she reached for the remote. "What is going _on_ with you?" She turned to Luke and he looked embarrassed, like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. His reply was bitter, which made Lorelai wince. She hated disappointing him.

"What's going on with _me_? It's not me I'm worried about. It's us," he spit out, his heart beating rapidly.

Lorelai just looked back at him, confused.

"Things aren't the same with us, Lorelai." He tried to breathe, to slow down. "I feel like I'm not moving and you're running all over the place. We don't talk. I _hate_ you not talking to me." As if to prove his point, Lorelai opened and closed her mouth, at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry," she finally said. He was surprised. _Here it comes_, he thought. _Way to go, asshole,_ he congratulated himself. "I—maybe it's because Rory's so far away. I don't feel like myself." Lorelai looked up at him and he was sure he looked as if he had just been punched in the gut. That wasn't supposed to be what she said. Not even close. She was blaming it on Rory?

"I'd like to believe that. I really would, but that's what I mean. You should talk to me about Rory or your parents, but you don't. I feel like you're shutting me out, Lorelai."

"Maybe I don't feel comfortable talking about my parents or--" Luke couldn't believe what he was hearing. Lorelai Gilmore not comfortable talking about her Jekyll and Hyde parents?

"You used to talk to me all the time when we were friends. Why is it different now?"

Lorelai looked hurt. "Do you want to go back to being friends, Luke?"

_Ohmygod. _"No, I don't!" He was losing patience. "I want this. But I want _more_ than this, more than where we are right now." No response. "Lorelai? Please?" His voice broke as he begged her. _Just say something_.

"Luke, I—I don't know. I tried to change. I--" Her head fell as he stared at her in disbelief, chills running up his spine, and he knew this was it. He walked past her, his hand brushed her arm, but Lorelai didn't react.

Her tears blurred the pattern of the couch and she could just make out the outline of him as he walked toward the door. In the back of her mind, Lorelai knew what she should say, that if she didn't, he might not come back. Or maybe that was only hindsight. Maybe she had been too preoccupied with her own thoughts that this was what she had been expecting, what she had been waiting for and fearing. She had yet to be in a place where something, someone didn't crack and crumble and everything came crashing down. It should have been different. Things weren't supposed to fall apart with Luke. He was supposed to hold everything together, hold her together.

She realized that she had never told anyone, not Max or Jason or even Chris, that she loved them. But she must have with Max. Didn't she? She curled up on the couch and realized she couldn't remember. Now Luke. Except she really did love Luke. She should have changed—she should have grown up since running away from Max three years ago. But the more Lorelai thought about how things had gone with Luke, she knew she hadn't changed or grown. Lorelai knew she never had the give and take part of a relationship down. She was the taker. She had always been selfish, maybe even a little with Rory, which was the closest thing to right she knew. She wished she knew why she was that way. And she hates herself for it because the thing she wanted most right now was him and if she had to change a little to do it, it would have been the easiest thing she'd done.

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Now she couldn't believe that she hadn't felt the urge to run after him. But she remembered that feeling, she was numb, her stomach sick, because she realized things had gone a wry. There wasn't an easy solution now. She had hurt Luke. And when she went to undo it, the next day, it was too late. He was already gone.

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The pain in the mornings was inevitable and it became like breathing to her. It was the surprises she hated, that raised all the fears that things may not work out in the end. Like when she found his spatula. She had been digging for a soup spoon for Davy to play with while she was talking to Sookie about an upcoming wedding and there it was. Shiny and clean and standing out from the cheap kitchen utensils she had bought and rarely touched. Even without the cleanliness she would have known it wasn't hers. That first breakfast he'd made here, when she still wanted to go to Luke's, he had commented on it and she had teased him. For a moment she wondered if he left it on purpose, hoping she would see it and realize before it was too late. But it was too late.

"Is there a spider?" Sookie asked.

Lorelai shook her head. "No spider. Just a crazy lady staring at a spatula someone left." "Oh," a pause and then Sookie continued. "Lorelai, do you want to talk?"

But Lorelai had talked enough in the past couple weeks: to Rory, Sookie, herself. They had no answers either. "No thanks," she faltered.

When she finally got around to doing laundry, (she had left heaping piles on the floor to spite him, even if he couldn't see them) she found a sock that didn't belong to her. She recognized it almost immediately and thought for a day and a half about picking up the phone. She knew he would have taken his cell phone. But instead she threw the sock in the back of the drawer and hurried downstairs to iron her outfit for work.

Some nights when she got home, she was still so pumped up on the stress from the inn (and caffeine) she would clean. Just little spots of the house at a time and one night, she tackled the refrigerator. She had noted that morning that it had started to smell. The source of the problem was in one of her vegetable bins, which were rarely used (even compared to the rest of the fridge) and as she pulled out the offender, she laughed, but it got caught in her throat and came out more like a strangled sob. It was two grapefruit. Lorelai rolled her eyes, which were wet with tears, and tossed them in the trash. He never gave up.

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He had known her for eight years and he had never been let into Lorelai's life. Not really. He had a key to her house but not her heart. Lorelai even kept her relationship with Rory separate from him. He'd never forget that one of their first fights had been over him being too protective of Rory.

"She's not your kid!"

"Lorelai, don't you understand? She's like a daughter to me."

"Oh, Luke."

Whether Lorelai believed that or not, Luke knew Rory thought of him as someone she could trust, if not as a father figure. She had talked to him before leaving.

"_Luke?"_

_"Yeah?"_

"_I know you'll take care of her."_

"_Of course I will."_

He couldn't help but feel like he had broken his promise. Even when she'd decided to go to Europe, Lorelai wouldn't talk to him. She acted like everything was fine, but Luke sensed the stiffness in her movements, disappointment in her voice every time it was him calling and not Rory. He tried not to think that Lorelai was putting up walls, rather that her relationship with Rory was different and unique, just something Luke couldn't understand. He would detect the softness in her voice, the way she laughed when she talked to Rory on the phone, cradling it between her ear and neck, walking past Luke as if he wasn't there. Whenever he asked about her, Lorelai made a general comment about her and then changed the subject.

That had been one thing, but then there was the case of Lorelai's parents.

She would trudge off to Friday night dinners alone every week, reassuring him that she didn't need his company, he had more important things to do. He knew she was proud, independent, but every once in awhile he wished she would be less stubborn. He couldn't imagine she found these dinners enjoyable, alone with her mother now that Rory was gone. In fact, he knew it was the opposite. Lorelai would come home in a funk and he would try to pry her open.

One night he tried a different tact. "Do they know about us?"

Lorelai looked at him, surprised. "Do they..."

"Just wondering," he shrugged.

"Of course they know." Lorelai's nose flared and she looked away quickly.

Luke recognized this and bit his lip.

"They don't." He breathed. "Why haven't you told them?"

"I just said I did," Lorelai replied insolently.

"Lorelai, give me some credit. You couldn't even look at me." He touched her shoulder softly, fingering one of her curls and she caved.

"They don't know. I'm sorry, I—"

"Are you embarrassed?"

"Why would I be embarrassed?"

Luke shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, I'm not exactly blue blood."

Her eyes softened. "Luke, you know I could care less."

"I know," he ducked his head. "But your mother?

"My mother can't tell me who to date. As much as she'd like to. I haven't been keeping it from them; I just haven't found a good time to tell them. It's kind of ironic, that I finally get what I want and their relationship is falling apart."

_Get what I want_, he was pretty sure that was the closest she'd ever come to saying she wanted him, that she needed him in her life. "Aw, Lorelai. It's okay."

She nodded and Luke realized she was really upset. But of course she shied away from him and wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He couldn't help but think that a year ago, she would have given him all the gory details whether he asked or not.


	6. Part 6

Part 6

He had known her for eight years and he had never been let into Lorelai's life. Not really. He had a key to her house but not her heart. Lorelai even kept her relationship with Rory separate from him. He'd never forget that one of their first fights had been over him being too protective of Rory.

"She's not your kid!"

"Lorelai, don't you understand? She's like a daughter to me."

"Oh, Luke." She softened.

Whether Lorelai believed that or not, Luke knew Rory thought of him as someone she could trust, if not as a father figure. She had talked to him before leaving.

"_Luke?"_

_"Yeah?"_

"_I know you'll take care of her."_

"_Of course I will."_

He couldn't help but feel like he had broken his promise. Even when she'd decided to go to Europe, Lorelai wouldn't talk to him. She acted like everything was fine, but Luke sensed the stiffness in her movements, disappointment in her voice every time it was him calling and not Rory. He tried not to think that Lorelai was putting up walls, rather that her relationship with Rory was different and unique, just something Luke couldn't understand. He would detect the softness in her voice, the way she laughed when she talked to Rory on the phone, cradling it between her ear and neck, walking past Luke as if he wasn't there. Whenever he asked about her, Lorelai made a general comment about her and then changed the subject.

That had been one thing, but then there was the case of Lorelai's parents.

She would trudge off to Friday night dinners alone every week, reassuring him that she didn't need his company, he had more important things to do. He knew she was proud, independent, but every once in awhile he wished she would be less stubborn. He couldn't imagine she found these dinners enjoyable, alone with her mother now that Rory was gone. In fact, he knew it was the opposite. Lorelai would come home in a funk and he would try to pry her open.

One night he tried a different tact. "Do they know about us?"

Lorelai looked at him, surprised. "Do they..."

"Just wondering," he shrugged.

"Of course they know." Lorelai's nose flared and she looked away quickly.

Luke recognized this and bit his lip.

"They don't." He breathed. "Why haven't you told them?"

"I just said I did," Lorelai replied insolently.

"Lorelai, give me some credit. You couldn't even look at me." He touched her shoulder softly, fingering one of her curls and she caved.

"They don't know. I'm sorry, I—"

"Are you embarrassed?"

"Why would I be embarrassed?"

Luke shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, I'm not exactly blue blood."

Her eyes softened. "Luke, you know I could care less."

"I know," he ducked his head. "But your mother?

"My mother can't tell me who to date. As much as she'd like to. I haven't been keeping it from them; I just haven't found a good time to tell them. It's kind of ironic, that I finally get what I want and their relationship is falling apart."

_Get what I want_, he was pretty sure that was the closest she'd ever come to saying she wanted him, that she needed him in her life. "Aw, Lorelai. It's okay."

She nodded and Luke realized she was really upset. But of course she shied away from him and wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He couldn't help but think that a year ago, she would have given him all the gory details whether he asked or not.

She wasn't sure she knew when things had started to fall apart. Granted, Lorelai sometimes felt her life was flying by at breakneck speed, but especially these past few months with the opening and Rory moving back to Yale and then overseas. Lorelai felt all of it had passed by in a caffeine-induced haze. Kind of what your wedding day was supposed to be like. (At least that's what she'd heard.) But everything seemed to slow when she was with Luke. Maybe that was the problem, she was trying to move and in the end it was only slowing her down. She either had to stop or keep moving; the balance she had mastered alone wasn't working with him. She knew she had been eager with him and she wondered if that threw him, if he had expected her to be scared, unsure. Or when she was cautious it made him exert his feelings more. Maybe in seeking that balance, they had lost what was important. Or maybe they were both too busy to notice until they looked up and it was already past. Now she stopped to remember the stolen moments—how she caught him cleaning the house when she'd run home to get something for Sookie, how some mornings she would sneak downstairs and give him a few extra kisses for the day, when he'd show up in her office with lunch, or when she'd come to the diner on nights he had to close, just to be with him.

When she was younger, right after she had moved away with Rory, Lorelai would sometimes stop and get caught up in a daydream. More often at night as she fell asleep she would think about where her path could have differed; she could have been applying to colleges, making her parents proud, still planning weekends with Chris. Sometimes she even wondered what it would have been like obeying her parents' wishes and marrying Chris. But she would shake those thoughts off and tell herself it wasn't Chris she wanted. Lorelai had just been lonely. It was just her and Rory. She really had no one her age to talk to. There had been Mia, but even though she had grown close and could run to and confide in her, Lorelai still thought of her more as a mother figure than anything else. And sometimes after taking care of a baby and making beds all week, it was hard to remember she had anyone to turn to. Lorelai hated herself when she woke in the mornings and her stomach fell in disappointment of another day. But she had Rory. She always had Rory to get up to in the mornings. Her bright blue eyes and the way the gurgle of her laugh caught in her throat broke Lorelai's heart and reminded her why she was lucky to be where she was.

But with Rory in Europe and Luke gone, those feelings of dread returned to Lorelai in the mornings. She shivered in her bed on cold mornings, without Luke there to snuggle up next to. She would slip out of bed, jamming her feet in her slippers before they hit the cold floor and wander downstairs. No Luke in the kitchen making her bacon, eggs and pancakes. Not even Rory eating a Pop-Tart and looking over notes for school. Shafts of warm light fell through Rory's room and into the kitchen where Lorelai stood in the doorway, lost.

Nights were no easier. She hated the silence that settled over the house as she got ready for bed. Sometimes Lorelai would catch herself listening for the front door, signifying that Luke was home from closing the diner. Of course it never came. Those first few nights alone in her bed, she left the light on and curled up in a ball, her hand on his pillow. It got a little easier, but it startled Lorelai to wake up in the middle of the night and not hear his snoring or have his arm around her waist.

She busied herself at the inn, working late again, but even that didn't convince anyone she was healing. Sookie knew better but didn't dare say anything to Lorelai about it--not that Lorelai needed telling. She knew.


	7. Part 7

**A/N: This part is rated R for a certain scene near the end. Enjoy. **

**Part 7**

He couldn't say that there hadn't been good moments as well: there were wonderful moments that he would always remember, that used to bring a smile to his face, but now, just pricked at his heart.

Lorelai had, of course, been waiting eagerly for the first snowfall of the year. She had stayed up until two or three in the morning for two nights, waiting for the first flakes to fall. On the third night, he arrived at her house for a quick dinner before he had to close. He found her out on the porch, under ten blankets and with the space heater set on a table at face level. "You? Are insane." He greeted her as he walked up the porch steps.

"Join me." She patted the seat and Luke slid in next to her, struggling with the blankets to get comfortable. He slid his arm around her, pulling her closer as he rubbed circles on her side.

"Aren't you freezing?" He kissed the tip of her pink nose and she answered him with a long kiss.

"Not anymore." She smiled and titled her head back and against him to look at the stars. "I smell snow," she breathed.

"You have been for days," he teased. "What do you say to dinner?"

"Yaay!" Lorelai clapped her mittened hands together. "Luke's world famous chili?"

"It is so ordered. But you have to come inside." She pouted. "I don't want a frozen girlfriend."

Lorelai kissed him again. "You just called me your girlfriend," she smiled.

"I know. Did it work?"

Lorelai groaned in frustration. "I'll come inside!" She gathered her blankets and he took the heater in.

Later, as he was locking up the diner, he noticed a few flakes spit from the sky. He drove a little faster through town as the snow fell harder. By the time he reached Lorelai's, there was already a light dusting on the ground. Luke slipped in the house where he found Lorelai soundly asleep on the couch. She looked so peaceful, but he knew she would never let him live it down if he let her miss the first snow. "Lorelai," he said softly, shaking her shoulder.

"Hmmm," she murmured. "Take me to bed, Luke."

"In a little while," he forced back a laugh. "I thought you might want to see the snow."

"Very funny." She peeked an eye open to scowl at him.

"I'm serious." Lorelai sat up on the couch and looked towards the window, where the blinds were open and the curtains pushed back. She gasped and did a little half shriek, half laugh as she gave Luke a hug. "You are the best boyfriend ever," she crowed as she dragged him outside.

They stood out on the lawn, flakes catching in her hair as they watched Stars Hollow turn to a sparkling white. Lorelai linked her arm through Luke's. "Thanks for waking me up."

"You're welcome. You called me your boyfriend," he winked at her.

"I know," Lorelai smiled at him and Luke suddenly forgot about the cold wind blowing down the back of his shirt or how his feet already felt frozen. He leaned in to give her a kiss and when he tried to pull away, she held him tighter.

"Come on crazy snow lady, let's go inside." He whispered as they parted. She sighed against him.

On Rory's birthday, Lorelai had made reservations for a weekend in New York. Rory just thought she was coming home for a party on Saturday. When she pulled up in the driveway on Friday afternoon, Luke was loading bags into the Jeep.

"Where are you going?" Rory frowned.

"New York." Luke smiled. Lorelai appeared on the porch.

"To visit Jess?"

"For your birthday, silly," Lorelai called.

"What?" Rory smiled. "Are you serious?"

"Yup. A whole weekend just for you, babe. I figured you're two decades old, that's pretty special. And it makes me feel old," she groaned. Rory gave her mom a hug, but then her face fell.

"I didn't bring any good outfits. I mean I have my favorite sweater, but no New York outfits."

"What's the point of going to New York?" Lorelai asked, rolling her eyes at her daughter.

"To buy New York outfits!" Rory realized. "Forgive me."

"You really aren't going to shop all weekend, are you?" Luke pouted.

Lorelai tried not to laugh. Rory gave him a sympathetic look. "Clearly you've never been to New York with mom." Rory said solemnly. Luke rolled his eyes but climbed in the car.

As they neared the train station, Lorelai teased him. "It's your last chance, get out now." And when he grabbed his bag and gave her a stern look. "Ooh, he's going, folks."

"I'm not letting you two have all the fun," he shot back. Lorelai looked impressed. "Plus it's Rory's birthday. I haven't missed Rory's birthday since--"

"We've known you." Rory finished. "Thanks, Luke."

"I figure you need help keeping her in line," he teased, referring to Lorelai. Rory laughed and Lorelai shot Luke a look.

On the train, Rory pulled out a book and Lorelai nestled in the crook of Luke's arm, where she quickly fell asleep. Just as Luke was thinking this couldn't get anymore perfect, Rory snapped her book shut and caught Luke's gaze. "You okay?" He questioned warily.

"I just wanted to thank you for everything, Luke. Not just this weekend," she plowed on as he opened his mouth to reply. "But this year. You take care of my mom. You always have. You're there for her when I can't be and even though I'm close, it's nice. You make her happy. That's all I need to know."

"You're welcome," Luke replied, touched. "You know your mom means a lot to me."

Rory nodded. "I know. Luke," she dropped her voice even lower. "I'm thinking about going to London next semester." She caught his shocked expression. "I think it's important for my career and just for life. And I want to do it now so I can come back to Yale for my last couple years. I thought about it last year, but I didn't want to leave mom, especially in the middle of all her planning for the Dragonfly. But now she has you and I don't worry about her so much." Rory sighed and looked up at him, nervous.

Luke managed to catch his mouth from hanging open for very long. "Are you sure?" Luke sputtered. "I mean, this is a big deal. You need to think it over and talk about it with your mom."

"I will, Luke. I promise," Rory bit her lip. "It's not going to be easy though. Is it?"

"No," he agreed. "But I admire you for doing this."

"Thank you, Luke," she breathed. "I'm just--This is a big deal for anyone who goes. Most people haven't been this far away from home, especially not for six months. And it's going to be even harder for me because of--"

"I know," he nodded, noticing the tears shining in Rory's eyes. "But I'm sure your mom will support you in whatever you want to do."

"I think so too," Rory nodded. "It's just, well--Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you'll take care of her."

"Of course I will. If that's what you're worried about, I've got it covered." He smiled at her and squeezed her hand.

"Thank you," she sat back in her seat with a sigh, her gaze focused out the window. He had made his promise to always take care of Lorelai, the one that was now broken. He almost told Rory what he had been thinking about the last couple weeks, but decided it could wait. Now he wished he hadn't.

The girls dragged him all over the city that weekend. They went to a play on Friday night, shopping and sightseeing on Saturday and had a picnic in Central Park before riding the train back, exhausted, on Sunday.

"Thanks mom," Rory gave her mom a hug as they loaded up her car for the drive back to campus. "This was the best birthday."

"Thanks Luke," she surprised him with a hug. Lorelai smiled at him over Rory's shoulder until he stepped back and took her hand as Rory pulled out of the driveway.

The beginning of November rolled around and Luke was glad that Lorelai didn't seem to have any big plans in the works for his birthday. He was staring down forty and he didn't want to be reminded of that fact. He just wanted a nice evening alone with her. About a week before the event, Lorelai leaned over one morning at breakfast to inquire about "the big day" as she put it.

"Lorelai," he rolled his eyes and chuckled. "I'll be 38. I just want to spend time with you. No presents, no parties."

"Party pooper," she teased. She knew that he wasn't really a birthday guy. But she also knew that he'd never really had a good birthday. So he was surprised when the day actually rolled around and there were no silly balloons downstairs. There was just Lorelai, her hair piled on top of her head in a messy knot, trying to make oatmeal and half a dozen grapefruit cluttering the counter.

"Uh, Lorelai?" She jumped.

"Hey! I mean, good morning--I mean happy birthday," her voice softened as she pulled him in for a kiss.

"What are you doing?" He gestured at the mess.

"Making breakfast. You were supposed to stay in bed."

"Oh," Luke took the hint and turned to go back upstairs.

"No!" She cried. "Wait! Do you know how to make oatmeal?" Luke couldn't help but laugh at her pitiful face as he took the package from her and showed her as she cut a grapefruit in half.

"What are you having?" He eyed her as he sat at the table with his oatmeal, grapefruit and hot tea.

"Frozen waffles," she winked at him.

"We could have gone to the diner."

"No, no work related things. This is your day," she insisted. "Besides, now I know how to make oatmeal." She looked at his bowl in disgust.

"Thank you," he murmured, squeezing her hand.

"Welcome," she beamed, pouring syrup on her waffles. Lorelai then produced a small package wrapped in what looked to be a brown paper bag. "It's from Rory." Luke slid his hand along the back flap, the paper remaining in one piece as it fell away to reveal what looked to be a photo album, the green cover embossed with a tiny leaf print in the corners. Luke frowned, flipping it open. His eyes widened in amazement. His relatives stared out at him from the pages. It started with his father's grandparents, only one of whom he had met. Then pictures of his mom's parents, their wedding announcements and pictures of them with their daughter as a baby. More of the same with his dad's. Then his parents in high school, their wedding announcement and the announcement of his birth. Then him.

"Ah geez," he blushed as Lorelai's cooed and giggled. Pictures of Liz were interspersed. The book ended with about ten blank pages and a note from Rory: Reserved for future use. "Wow," he breathed, still taken aback. Tears pricked at his eyes. "It's…amazing. How did she--"

"She went to the library to get the announcements and then one of the historians helped her. I think most of those pictures she actually found in storage." Lorelai smiled devilishly. Luke had given her a key to one of the places he had kept some of his parents' things.

"Well tell her thank you. Very much." He smoothed his hand across the cover. "I thought she'd be here."

Lorelai shook her head. "We're having dinner with her Monday, but today it's just you and me."

"I'm stuck with you, huh?" She nodded. "That's not too bad." Now it was his turn to smile devilishly.

"Luke!" She exclaimed, rushing down the hall before he caught her and pinned her on the couch, his hands on either side of her shoulders as he kissed her. Gasping for air, she said, "Anything you want."

Luke let his hand fall to graze her side and she sucked in air in surprise. Their mouths continued to meet, as Lorelai nipped at his ear and lip occasionally. Luke drew her closer to him as he sat down on the couch. Lorelai swung her leg over his, straddling him and began unbuttoning his shirt. Luke's fingers rubbed circles on the soft skin of her stomach. His hand traveled farther, reaching the bare skin of her breasts. She moaned as he touched her, and he smiled. Lorelai placed kisses across his chest as Luke watched her nails scratch softly on his arms, soothing him. "I want to see you," he whispered and she ducked her head, but threw off her shirt, blushing as usual under his gaze. "You're beautiful."

Her blue eyes twinkled at him and he kissed her softly. She pulled him to her and he stepped out of his boxers as Lorelai slid her pajama pants off. Lorelai pushed him back on the couch where she straddled him again. "Dirty!" He exclaimed and she laughed, the vibrations tickling his neck as she kissed him eagerly. She let out a low moan as Luke's fingers grazed the inside of her thighs. As he entered her, Lorelai said his name a little louder and pulled him closer. Her hips followed his at every slight movement, and Luke marveled at how well they fit together-- how this was anything but routine. He was careful never to be selfish with Lorelai, holding on as she finished, and they lay next to each other, sated and happy.

They spent the rest of the morning curled up in bed, talking and laughing until Lorelai insisted they get up to shower and enjoy the rest of their day. Luke did as he was told, enticing Lorelai to join him. "It's a good thing Rory isn't here," he murmured as Lorelai slipped in the shower behind him.

"Don't say that again," Lorelai replied, a wary smile touching the corners of her mouth, as she admired Luke's slick body.

Luke got ready quickly and watched as Lorelai stood in front of her closet in a tank top and shorts, pondering her outfit for the evening. He knew it was clichéd, but he loved seeing her like this. He loved the natural glow her skin seemed to hold even in the winter and how in the mornings, her blue eyes contrasted with her dark hair. Not wanting to freeze, she picked out her favorite pair of brown pants and a new maroon sweater which had beading along the neckline. She grabbed her bags from the end of the hall and re-entered the room.

Luke frowned. "Going somewhere?"

"Vermont. With you. I called and got those reservations changed to this weekend."

"You're kidding," Luke breathed.

"You asked for a day with me. Now you've got me to yourself all weekend."

Luke kissed her. "Thank you," he whispered.


	8. Part 8

**A/N: I know this probably seems to be dragging on, but it'll be done soon. There will be 10 parts. **

_Open up your eyes  
Don't be scared  
You might find you had it all the time_

-Lisa Loeb, "Someone You Should Know"

Part 8

Lorelai may have not been good at confessing her feelings, but she knew Luke had changed her more than anymore else (except for Rory). It had been gradual, she didn't even notice until he was gone. Then it was heartbreakingly obvious. She understood why he felt like he had been carrying a heavy load—she had never told him (not in so many words) her feelings. Deep down she felt the same things Luke did, but she began to realize that as much as Luke knew her, almost better than she did herself, that he wasn't a mind reader. Her actions didn't speak as strongly as she thought and she had hurt him. But she's afraid she'll never be able to make him understand, she knows she truly loves him. And she has to reinforce her feelings because otherwise he would fade away and let himself be broken down by focusing on what she's not saying.

Lorelai knew that Luke had lived with the fear that she would run from him, that she would leave like Nicole or Rachel and even his parents did. He never told her, but she could see it sometimes in his eyes. She smiles sometimes, just a small smile, because she knows as much as this hurts and how its hell for her avoiding him when all she wants to do is hug him, even through her pain, she's learning. For maybe the first time in her life, she sees it in black and white and realizes she's wrong. And wrong is not a part of the Lorelai vocabulary. She's never been wrong—not with Rory, not moving away from her parents, not with Max, not with Chris again and again, but with Luke: yes.

She knows because every day when she rolls over and he's not there, her mind screams at her: _this is wrong. He should be here. You deserve it._

Her body agrees. It tries to pull her towards the diner, only to remind herself that she doesn't know if he will listen to the things she should have said from the beginning. _I'm sorry. I need you. I love you. _Because however much she is wrong, Lorelai won't be able to say it like she wishes she could. She'll have to ramble on and build up to it. Her hands shake just thinking about it (or it may just be the caffeine deprivation.)

xxxxxxxxxxxx

If he thought about when he and Lorelai were happy, it just made everything harder. If someone asked him why he married Nicole, he probably wouldn't be able to give a good reason. Did he love her? He wasn't so sure he remembered ever feeling that way about her. Had he been a little drunk? That was more likely. And maybe he had thrown caution to the wind and said 'why the hell not?' After all, he wasn't any closer to the thing he really wanted. To Lorelai. Of course, the next morning any thoughts about the marriage had been forgotten and it was more a state of panic and what-the-hell-did-we-do. Maybe he had problems with commitment just as much as Lorelai. He groaned and stalked into the cabin of his kitchen to check on his food. That self-help book had really gone to his head.

After the Nicole fiasco, it was even more obvious to him why he and Lorelai were both so horrible at relationships. They hadn't been in the right one yet. But now that they had been in the "right" one, Luke wasn't so sure about his long-standing theory.

He knew it was unlike him to leave. He had never once left Lorelai hanging when she needed him and then when she probably needed him the most, he had walked out that front door. But after building up and imagining the possibilities for eight years, things hadn't gone as smoothly as he had planned. _Well, Luke, life isn't a fantasy. Maybe you have to lower your expectation bar a little bit. _Except with Lorelai…she exceeded his expectations, being with her had been more than he ever imagined. And that's why, when things started to fall apart at the seams, he hadn't been able to handle it. He couldn't stick around to get his heart broken again, he had already picked up the pieces of himself twice before and he knew if he had to do that with Lorelai, it would be ten times worse. But he also knew he had been working toward her, this vision, for almost ten years. And he had just given up--something Luke Danes never did.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Luke had thought more about Rachel than Lorelai while he was away. Well, that wasn't entirely true. He had thought about what Lorelai had said about Rachel. Maybe he hadn't been taking her advice into account for their situation. _Luke, life is not a fantasy. Maybe you have to lower your expectation bar a little bit. _As long as Luke had carried around a torch for Rachel, it was possible that he had carried one even longer for Lorelai. Lorelai, maybe because of her proximity, had never been far from the forefront of his mind. It was only when Rachel returned that he realized that he really had feelings for Lorelai.

He had imagined how it would be to have Lorelai, to be able to comfort her and hold her, just to _be_ with her. It had been how he imagined for awhile, but then things had seemed to shift. _Ok, so here it is, right in front of you. Just take it. Take the plunge. She could be ready. Jump and believe her._

The thing Luke hated was that it was a risk, a chance he had to take. _Matters of the heart aren't science. There are no sure things._ And Luke liked sure things. That's what most of his life had been. Lorelai wasn't a sure thing—neither her personality nor his possible relationship with her. Even though Luke may have been known as stubborn (he and Lorelai rivaled for the title in Stars Hollow) most of the time he was willing to meet someone (unless it was Taylor) halfway. And he knew he couldn't hold out on this. It was what he had wanted for the past nine years. If he could see her face, he would know his chances better. After all, Lorelai was the one person who always seemed to make perfect sense or could make him see things her way—no matter how cluttered and crazy.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

As Luke drove back into Stars Hollow, he tried not to notice how everything seemed so cheery. It was the beginning of spring. The trees were full of green, flowers starting to peek out at various spots in the neighborhood. The sun slanted across the town just so, almost making the gazebo sparkle. A few people were out and about: in front of Doose's, wandering past the diner—the only thing that didn't look fresh and new. Luke loved that building, but his heart sank as he saw it, blinds drawn and closed, and his sign still on the front door.

It was amazing how he felt so uncomfortable, so out of his league when he was first with Rachel. She was pretty and sweet and he couldn't figure out why she liked him to save his life. He loved Stars Hollow, but he had always felt lost there, almost as if he didn't quite fit into this perfect little town. As he adventured out with Rachel on some of her assignments, he was surprised to find how easily he felt at home with her, no matter where they were. He watched her react and smile and his body tingled, almost as if his awkwardness was falling away.

With Lorelai, Luke had never felt awkward. She was just this caffeine crazed customer and their friendship grew from there. He had never been a wordsmith, and he had felt nervous around her as he began to realize his feelings for her, but he managed to keep that under the surface for almost eight years. And he didn't regret it. His friendship with her was one of the most important things in his life. She had made him feel comfortable in his own home town. She was the only customer that came in almost daily that he would talk to for more than two minutes. Their banter was not something Luke had ever had with anyone else. He began attending town meetings with her and Rory, he endured the festivals and holidays, the heartbreaks.

He sighed as he lugged his gear up the stairs, hoping she had called his apartment. His cell phone had been silent all week. But there were no messages, not even a note slipped under the door. He looked around the inert diner, used to its bustle and constant level of noise and felt alone again.


	9. Part 9

**Part 9**

_that she can be happy the way things are  
be happy with the things she's done_

Finally, late in April, Lorelai returned to the diner. A hush seemed to fall over the room and Luke came out from the back to see what was going on. She shot him a small smile.

"Coffee?" He asked.

"To go, please." He turned to start a fresh pot. "Luke, listen. I came to ask you something. Not for me, for Rory." She glanced at him. He was listening, his arms crossed as he leaned back against the counter. "She gets back next week and my mom's having a party for her. She insisted you come."

Luke raised his eyebrows. "And I'd…I'd like it too." Luke shifted, his gaze catching hers. Her eyes were dark, serious, but Luke saw no trace of sadness in them.

He sighed. "Okay."

"Great. I'll give you directions." She pulled out a napkin and scribbled furiously. Luke set her coffee cup by her arm. He went in the back for something and when he returned, Lorelai was already gone, just the napkin left behind. He picked it up, skimming the directions when he noticed a post-script at the bottom: _I miss you_. He shook his head, sticking the napkin in his pocket.

_Do you really want to talk about it_

_Take it to the back veranda _

_Have a drink and talk around it_

_-_Butterfly Boucher, "A Walk Outside"

The next few days, he slowed down. He wasn't in the diner 24/7 and he prepared for meeting Lorelai's parents. He meandered through book stores, looking for a present for Rory and much to his dismay, found himself wandering into a men's store for a new shirt. He considered taking a bottle of wine to the Gilmores, but he was sure they wouldn't approve of whatever he chose. Normally, he would have gotten something for Lorelai but he decided to wait it out.

On Friday, Luke was dressed in his new light blue shirt and pair of khakis, with the wrapped book for Rory next to him as he made the 30 minute trek to Hartford.

Luke sat out in his truck for several minutes, building up his resolve. He tried to imagine what might happen between him and Lorelai tonight, but gave up on planning any kind of speech. Planning with Lorelai was useless.

As soon as Luke comprehended an actual maid was answering the door, his resolve faded.

"Oh hello Luke," Emily Gilmore greeted him cordially. "Lorelai, your male friend is here!" She called. The maid asked if she could take the present but Luke clung to it stubbornly. Lorelai appeared from some part of the house. She wore a sky blue dress with that white cardigan he had seen before, her hair falling down around her shoulders. She looked beautiful as usual-serene, Luke thought.

"Hey," she greeted him solemnly. Luke search fruitlessly for her eyes to twinkle at him or that shy smile to appear, but she gave no sign she was happy to see him. He followed her into the living room, where her parents sat across from each other awkwardly on uncomfortable looking couches. He almost laughed as he looked around the room. He couldn't picture Lorelai growing up here. Even now, as she sat beside her mom, she looked out of place.

"Lucas, right?" Her father stood and shook his hand.

"You can call me Luke, sir. No one calls me Lucas. How are things treating ya?"

"Doing fine, thanks. Would you care for a drink?" Luke had never been one for hard liquor, but he didn't have to choose since Lorelai interjected on his behalf.

"Make him one of your martinis, dad." She said, sipping on her own.

"Well let the man decide, Lorelai. He may be more of a scotch on the rocks kind of guy."

"A martini's great." Luke perched on the couch across from Lorelai, but didn't make eye contact. For a fleeting moment, Luke wondered where the other guests were until Richard started peppering him with questions about the diner.

"We still have some time before Rory will be here. Would you like some cheese?" Emily interrupted.

"No, thanks."

"Uh, dad, can I borrow Luke for a second?" Lorelai barged in before Richard could continue.

"Of course." Lorelai mouthed to Luke to follow her. He did, drink in hand. They ended up outside on the patio.

"What's up?" Luke asked, practically grinding his teeth.

"I just wanted to get out of there," she sighed. "Too much tension—it makes my head hurt." Luke couldn't believe how nonchalant she was. "How have you been?"

"All right. Busy at the diner. How's the Dragonfly?"

"A mess as usual. Michel won't let me hire someone else to help out at the desk. He can't seem to understand that would mean more days off." It was killing her, talking about the mundane things when mostly her life was about missing Luke.

"What's going on, Lorelai?" Luke frowned at her. "Why did you invite me here?"

"I told you, Rory wanted you to come." She knew that wasn't going to cut it. Her eyes connected with his for a second and she quickly looked back down. "What's going on?" She asked exasperatedly. "_Us_," she whispered. "Tell me what you want, Luke. Because sometimes I'm not so sure."

Luke felt his frustration with her return. "_You're_ not sure? About me? About my feelings? I think its pretty damn clear, Lorelai."

To his surprise, Lorelai didn't become defensive. "I don't want it to be over," she said calmly. She cocked her head and the light from the moon (or maybe just the streetlamp, he wasn't sure) seemed to outline the curve of her neck, her hair swept over one shoulder.

"Oh." Lorelai had caught him off guard. "You know how many times you told me?" He added gruffly.

"I know. I'm sorry." She put a hand on his arm.

Luke's breathing seemed to slow, like something had changed in the air when she touched him. "Did you mean it?"

"What?" Lorelai hadn't let go of his arm yet and Luke noticed how close they were. Her eyes were sad, Luke noticed.

"The note. On the napkin."

"Of course. You think I don't miss you everyday? You're one of my best friends." The lines around her eyes seemed more pronounced. She looked different, Luke thought. Like she hadn't been sleeping well.

"Is that all?" Luke caught sight of Richard standing in the doorway.

He coughed. "Sorry to interrupt, but Rory has arrived." Luke looked at Lorelai and noticed the tears in her eyes.

"Go," he said. She gave him a small smile and hurried inside. He followed her and could hear her greetings to her daughter before he made his way to the foyer where they were hugging.

"Luke!" To his surprise, Rory launched herself at him.

"Hey." He chuckled, surprised at himself. Her eyes were sparkling, but he couldn't help but notice them diminish as he and Lorelai stood across the room from each other.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rory kept trying to get her mother's attention as they were called into dinner, but Lorelai would barely look at her.

Lorelai could feel her daughter's gaze throughout the meal. _I haven't told him yet_, she kept thinking. And then as she would catch a glimpse of him in the corner of her eye, she would think how everything was supposed to go. We should be a family. When the meal was almost finished, Lorelai tried to pull Luke away again, but Emily insisted on Rory opening her presents. Lorelai rolled her eyes. She'd always hated opening things with everyone watching.

Luke's present was last. Lorelai had given her a necklace with a charm of Big Ben ("to always remember London") and a pair of earrings, with a light blue stone that would "set off her eyes." Richard had given her a book about Yale and Emily had given her a new purse and a gift certificate. Still, Lorelai was actually the most curious about Luke's. She heard Rory gasp as she undid the wrapping. "What is it?" She heard herself asking.

"It's Dawn Powell's journals. How did you know I liked her?" Rory thumbed through the pages. "Where did you find this?" She breathed.

"I looked around," Luke said quietly. "Its not anything special but-"

"I like it so it's special. Thank you so much, Luke." She gave him a hug and placed the book carefully with her other things. As she sat back down, she stifled a yawn.

"Oh, we've kept you too long. You must be exhausted." Emily noticed.

"I'll be fine."

"We can go, babe, if you want." Lorelai smiled.

"It would be nice to see my room again." Emily ordered the presents out to the car. Richard wished them all a good night and disappeared outside. Lorelai told Rory she would be out front soon but she wanted to talk to Luke. "Take as long as you want," Rory whispered before she thanked Luke for coming and again for the book.

"Lorelai," he started as Rory left the foyer. "Let's not do this here."

"Okay." She waited awkwardly for him to make a suggestion for another venue.

"Come by the diner."

"All right," Lorelai nodded.

"That was fast." Rory sat up in the seat.

"We're talking when we get back to Stars Hollow." Rory nodded, but was quiet. "I told him I missed him."

"Aww mom," Rory squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry I haven't been here. Things will work out, I know it."

"What if they don't? I've been a mess these past couple months. Things just can't go back to the way they were, it's not that easy. I either have him or I lose him."

"We'll boycott Luke's. He'll go out of business without us." Lorelai couldn't help but laugh. "Luke's stubborn, but he's not dumb."


	10. Part 10

**A/N**: Thanks to everyone for reading, I hope you enjoy the last part! Thanks to carrielynn and carmensandiego and anyone else who looked at this for me

**Part 10**

_hey love  
that's the name we've long held back  
from the core of truth  
-Vienna Teng, Gravity_

Lorelai got out at Luke's, her hands shaking as she waved to Rory. Luke was waiting for her on the steps and they were both quiet as he unlocked the door.

"I can't believe you got that book for Rory," Lorelai shook her head.

"It's no big deal," Luke shrugged it off again.

"Yes, it is. You know both of us so well. You've always been there and I—I can't tell you how much it hurts now that you're not."

"I tried Lorelai," he breathed. "When Rachel left, she told me my heart wasn't in it. I don't think I have any doubts about where it was this time."

"Luke, I—I'm still me. I'm not perfect. I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations."

"I don't think you gave the situation a fair chance," Luke replied in that annoying, not quite condescending way he had.

"So you'd just give up? It hurts that you don't have a little bit more faith in me than that."

"That's what you seemed to be doing! What the hell was I supposed to do? Just sit there and let it all happen? That hurt me even more-" Luke spit out angrily, but was cut off by her.

"Than just leaving town?" Lorelai's hurt was plain. "Yeah, you didn't seem to have a problem with that!"

Luke just stared at her for a moment. He looked tired, or maybe it was the way the shadows played across his face, Lorelai wasn't sure. "What do you want me to say? That I wasn't there for you?"

"No, you were." Lorelai paused to think, but before she knew it, the words came tumbling out. "I just thought that you would know I was a screw up. You know me so well. And I thought you could handle it, somehow pull me back, but I did it again."

"That's my point, Lorelai. I can't fix everything, as much as I'd like to," Luke replied sadly. She realized that the look he carried was not one of the weary, but of hurt. He was empty and lonely and she had made him that way.

"I can't remember regretting it worse than this," she breathed.

"But where does that leave me?" Luke mumbled.

Her voice cracked, she felt herself slipping away. She couldn't get through to him, to make him see how much she needed him. "I want you back. I want another chance. I want—I need this to work." There, she had said it.

"We've already tried, Lorelai. Why is it different now?"

"I—I don't know. Maybe it's not. Can't it just go back to the way it was, Luke?" Her lip quivered and as he hesitated, she looked down at her hands. She knew the answer.

"No. No, I'm sorry." Lorelai couldn't move. Even when Luke disappeared into the back, she sat there, crying silently on the stool. Finally her fingers managed to grope the strap of her purse and she made her way out the door. As the bell jingled over her head, she had the urge to rip it down so it wasn't always noting her countless trips to the diner. She'd put too much happiness into a place that, as of late, wasn't giving any back.

_forgive me the confusion  
forgive me as I realize my thoughts betrayed  
you are the answer_

_-_Vienna Teng_  
_As she walked in the front door, her house gave off the sense of occupation, but Rory was nowhere to be found. Finally Lorelai, in her haze, spotted her daughter's note that she was at Lane's and if she needed anything, to call. Lorelai barely had the strength to fall into bed, much less wait up for her daughter and analyze her fight for Luke. The heaviness of her heart seemed to envelope her whole body, placing stress on the weak points and wearing it down towards sleep. Lorelai slept well until about 4:45 when she found herself wide awake, thinking about him again. Now was usually when he rolled out of bed and she watched him get dressed and disappear downstairs, a smile on her face. As she agonized over their argument, she heard the familiar ring of a cell phone. At first, she thought it was Rory's, but as she rolled out of bed she found it was hers, forgotten in her jacket pocket from the night before. It stopped just as it fell into her hand but the screen read "Luke." She rolled her eyes and headed downstairs.

"Oh my God!" She clutched her chest as she rounded the corner into the kitchen. Luke was sitting at the kitchen table. "How did you…"

"Rory let me in." She glanced towards Rory's closed door, but Luke shook his head. "She's not here. She came to the diner about 30 minutes ago, said she couldn't sleep."

"That makes two of us," Lorelai mumbled under her breath. Now that she was up, she realized it was too early. Her brain felt like it was dragging behind her body. "I need coffee," she rubbed her forehead. "What are you doing here, anyway?" Lorelai asked bitterly, starting a pot of coffee.

"Last night, I was—I don't know. No, I do. I was an ass," Luke looked at her for consensus, but she just shook her head and turned back to the coffee machine, which was now gurgling. "Lorelai, please sit down."

She exhaled, making sure Luke knew it was a chore for her to shuffle over to the chair across from him. Luke leaned towards her, his fingertips touching her hand, making a shiver travel up her spine. "I was thinking about what you said last night. And just, everything. I was thinking, maybe we could try this again. As friends-"

"Friends?" Lorelai cut him off. "We were friends for eight years, Luke. We're beyond that now. I can't be in this town if you just want to be friends. I'll miss you too much." She stood up, busying herself with the coffee. "I didn't say everything I wanted to say last night," she stared into her mug. "I've had so many men in my life. But you're the only man I want _in_ my life. You were right, I was scared," her voice cracked slightly and she sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry I didn't realize—I was too busy, I'm always too busy. I feel like I'm running around, working myself to death, and for what? I don't have the thing I really want," she babbled, but made herself slow down. "And that's you; I want to stand still with you." Lorelai didn't realize she was crying until Luke slid his arms slowly around her and lifted a hand to her face to wipe away the tears.

"You didn't let me finish." He said with a wry smile. "I was going to say we could try being friends and then see how things went," he cupped her face with his hand and bent down to kiss her slowly. It was like life was being breathed back into Lorelai, she felt revived, fully awake now.

"Oh, okay," she whispered, a smile breaking across her tear streaked face. "That sounds good too."

Luke didn't fit in the boyfriend box. Lorelai had known this from the beginning, because this _was_ Luke and even though the basics were the same, Luke wasn't just any other guy. He had seen her do the same with other guys and called her on it. He was good at that, Lorelai had noticed, always had been, back from the beginning. He was gruff and rude until she coaxed it out of him-he was upset about something she had done or was just upset. Then they would fight and be stubborn and make up. And even though they still argued now that they were together, Lorelai liked herself much better with Luke. She needed him to bring out all the things she liked about herself and he seemed to do so without any effort. Now that Lorelai really knew how to learn and change, it comes easily to her. She was convinced Luke was the only one who could make that possible. And she also knew it because she didn't feel suffocated. If she did, it was in the good way. The I-can't-breathe-when-he-looks-at-me way.

They slipped into their rhythm again—or maybe it was just the one they've always had from the beginning. This time they both relax, they deal with things a day at a time, unless they were planning ahead for the weekend. Lorelai just knew she wasn't worried about who was pulling more weight.

To them, trust is almost too thin. It's transparent, breakable. They have more than that. They have a foundation-something solid and resolute. And they have the horoscope to prove it.

_fin_


End file.
